Freudian Slip
by Cari7
Summary: Season 2. Where did that epiphany come from? Between Reprise and Epiphany. Thank you to Nicki and Chris for the story beta, but all grammar and spelling errors are mine!


**Freudian Slip**

_(Takes place between "Reprise" and "Epiphany" season 2)_

Angel opened his eyes.

He was lying on a couch in a white room. Sunlight poured in through a nearby window but it didn't concern him.

"What exactly did you think you were doing?" a familiar voice said.

He turned his head and saw the female Oracle sitting in a chair next to the couch. She had on a white business suit and glasses. In her hands she held a pad of paper and a pen.

"Well?" she said, her deeply blue eyes looking at him over the tops of her lenses.

"I…" he hesitated. "What were we talking about?"  
The Oracle scowled a bit and wrote something on the pad. "This of course." She said and indicated the blank wall opposite them.

As if it were a movie, Angel saw himself and Darla in his room. There wasn't any sound but he knew what was happening.

He'd lived it after all.

_Ok, so I'm dreaming._

He watched as he grabbed Darla and threw her onto his bed.

"Uh… do we have to…? I mean, I know what I did." He said.

"Hmm. Do you?" The Oracle got up and walked closer to the scene being played out. She watched intently for a moment.

"Why would you do this?" she asked.

"Why? Well, it's… well…" Angel stammered. "It's…. uh it feels… good…? Um… aren't you, uh… dead?"

The Oracle turned and looked at him. She raised an eyebrow.

"Mmmmm Hmmm." She said and then wrote something down on her pad.

Angel sat up on the couch and ran a hand over the back of his neck.

"It's a little hot in here, don't you think?" he said avoiding her gaze.

"Intercourse feels good." She said as she approached him. "Is that the reason you are giving me for this… this spectacle?"

She waved her pad at the scene that continued to play out on the wall.

"No! I mean… yes…" Angel said. "Look, could you turn that off?"

The Oracle looked at the wall and it was blank again.

"I'm waiting." She said after a moment.

"I wanted… I wanted to feel… something." He said laying back on the couch. "I felt like I was numb."

"Dead?" The Oracle asked and Angel glanced at her.

"Yeh. Dead. Only really dead and not just un-dead. Or whatever you are. You are dead… right?"

The Oracle ignored his question and sat down. "And you thought that this act would help you to feel more alive?"

Angel ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "No… not really. I was just so tired of everything that has been happening. Everything that I've done… doesn't seem to make a difference."

"The object of intercourse is to perpetuate the species." She said suddenly. "It creates life. Interesting that you would use it to 'feel alive'."

Angel waved his hand at her. "Whoa. I think you're looking at this _way_ too hard. I mean that's not the goal every time."

"Perhaps you are not looking at it hard enough." She said, her voice softening somewhat. "Vampires have never procreated this way. And yet… every creature feels the need to re-create itself. The birds, the bees… even those who have the powers to be Higher Beings." The Oracle paused, gazing at him.

As Angel watched she raised both her eyebrows at him and he had the impression she was trying to tell him something.

_What…_

"What are you…"?

There was a loud buzzing sound that came from all around them. Angel had the impression of many voices speaking at once but he couldn't understand what they were saying.

The Oracle looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

"Yes, very well." She mumbled. Her gaze settled back on Angel and her voice became businesslike again.

"Procreation was not your objective. What _was_ your intention?

Angel blinked. "I told you, it feels good. That's all. I wanted to feel good. "

The Oracle frowned and wrote something on her pad.

"And feeling 'good' is dangerous for you, is it not? Your soul was lost the last time you felt good in such a way. I ask you again, what exactly did you think you were doing?"

Angel stared at her for a moment, her words gelling in his mind. "No… no, I wasn't… Because I wouldn't have…. Not with Darla."

Again, The Oracle raised her eyebrow. "No? And tell me, did you know this for certain? Were you not the least bit worried that with this act you might release Angelus?"

Angel shook his head. "No. Not with Darla. I knew it wouldn't happen with Darla. Perfect happiness is…"

The Oracle cocked her head slightly. "Is rare? Yes, it is. And yet because of what happened with The Slayer, you have avoided such acts out of fear of it happening again."

"That's not exactly true. I mean, I haven't… but… uh…"

"Yes?" The Oracle prompted. "Have there not been opportunities? Have there not been women for whom you wished to engage in such activities with? Or women who wished to engage in such activities with you?"

Angel glanced away. "It's more complicated than that." He said.

"Less complicated. You are a functional male, are you not?"

"Yes! I mean… yes." He said.

"And yet you have not functioned as a male in that way until this… incident."

Angel kept his eyes focused on the window and remained silent.

The Oracle placed her pad and pen down on the floor beside her chair. "Why did you choose Darla?" she asked.

"She was there." Angel said through gritted teeth.

"I see. So if Drusilla or perhaps, Cordelia, had been there…"

"No." he said.

"No? And why not?"

"Because… because…I… No. I didn't choose her. I didn't." Angel said finally. "I wouldn't intentionally bring out Angelus. No, I don't believe that."

The Oracle sighed. "Intention is a peculiar matter. You do not believe that you would make the decision to forfeit your soul, to release Angelus. But I say to you that although you did not make that choice, your actions made that decision moot. Apathy is sometimes worse than evil because it is chaos. You did not care if it happened or not, despite the ruin it would bring to everyone else. Wolfram and Hart chose Darla to torment you. They wanted to bring out that darkness and they thought she could accomplish this. The effort they expended to bring her back was more than you can imagine. They might have used The Slayer in some way, but they did not. They might have used Drusilla or Cordelia or the slayer, Faith. But they did not. They chose Darla because she is at the root of your darkness. She created you and you felt things with her that you had never imagined feeling before she came to you in Galway. They knew this and they chose her for that reason. Unconscious as it may have been, you chose her for the same reason.

Angel stared at her with something close to panic in his eyes. "Oh God." He whispered.

The Oracle's gaze never wavered. "Would it comfort you to know that, where as there may have been pleasure in your act, there was no joy? Would it please you to know you have not lost your soul?"

Angel swallowed. "Yes… yes."

"Good." She said. "What do you feel now for Darla? For the existence she would offer you?"

"I…" Angel's eyes widened with surprise. "Nothing. I don't feel… anything for her."

The Oracle nodded. "You have been looking at your past. Chasing it as if it has meaning. You can now confront that which had power over you and render it powerless. In doing so you will find yourself again and be able to face your future. However…there are consequences for what you have done. There is no escaping that. Wolfram and Hart did not accomplish what they set out to achieve…Darla no longer holds you in the shadows, but unfortunately, those who hide behind the laws of man are not the only ones with agendas."

The buzz of voices was back.

"What does that mean?" Angel asked.

The Oracle glanced up again and frowned. "It means, Champion, that you are a weapon to some and a tool to others." She said, raising her voice above the sound that seemed to be growing louder. "And you will be used according to those who wield you."

The room grew dark and the noise faded. Angel looked at the window and saw storm clouds had cut off the sunshine.

"It's going to rain." He murmured.

"It has already begun." The Oracle said sadly. "What is in motion now can not be stopped."

"What is in motion?" he asked. The room was so dark he could barely see her.

"Nothing is as it should be." She said. Her voice was faint, as if from a distance.

"That is why there are Champions."

There was a flash of lighting outside.

Thunder pealed like an explosion and Angel bolted upright in bed. He gasped as pain stabbed through his chest.

Outside it was raining and he made his way to the balcony.

He could hear Darla following him, speaking to him.

She thought she had won.

She was wrong.

The months he'd spent obsessing over her, trailing her, consumed by her…

They had been a horrible waste.

He didn't know why he felt that way. He just knew that all that she'd done, all that they had been to each other…

All the things he'd felt for her…

Didn't matter anymore.

The pain in his chest continued. It spread to the rest of his body and he welcomed it.

He had wanted to feel something, after all.


End file.
